Going from Phoebe to Monica...

I feel tired today. Not physically tired but soulfully tired, like my soul has had a hectic week and needs some time to lick it's wounds and recharge. For me, re-cooperation is achieved through indulging in solitude, seizing a small pocket of time to relax in my own company and enjoying some welcomed silence and a much relished chance to zone out, daydream and gather my thoughts.

A remark was made about me today in friendly banter which has stuck in my mind and I cannot stop thinking about it. Wait for it... a colleague of mine compared me to Monica from friends. Now let me just clear something up - I have always been a mix of Phoebe and Rachel. I am ditsy, funny, spontaneous, random and love a gossip. I am not a control freak, overly competitive or an amazing cook for that matter. However, my colleague continued to back up his statement telling me that I most definitely am a control freak, just like Monica. My parents would probably find this notion hilarious, probably commenting that I have little control over anything in my life and am a bit of a chaotic mess at the best of times.

After the denial stage, I started to reflect on this further. I am completely aware that I adopt a different persona at work, I am after all a manager of a team and also part of a management team which runs my department and I do like a job to be done to the best standard and correctly. I have to maintain a level of respect through behaving as a role model to my colleagues and ensuring my team and department perform to our optimum levels, so I can understand how some aspects of my behaviour at work may have given my colleague the Monica idea. During the process of defending myself, I also went on to reassure myself that I am simply ambitious and tenacious and like to be the best that I can be - and there is nothing wrong with that, right?

But no, some other smarty pants aspect of my brain quickly jumped in pointing out that all of the above are Monica characteristics and yes - sorry love but you are indeed Monica. How could this happen?? I love being a mix of Rachel and Phoebe, I never even noticed I had become Monica! As I look back, I can now see at which points I started to change through the persona's. In my teens I was 100% Phoebe - ditsy, wacky and a bit of an airhead. In my early 20s I became Rachel, playing on the dumb blonde card, fashion conscious and a big gossip with a tendency to come across as stuck up. Now it seems I am Monica and it would appear that these have been my stages of growth through maturity as I have gotten older. I wonder if everyone experiences this?

Is it such a bad thing to be a Monica? Maybe it has been necessary to morph in to a Monica to be able to meet my own expectations of myself? I also thought I was very good at self-analysis but clearly not. Why does it take someone else's view of yourself before you realise your true traits? I think so many people must be living their lives under a misguided interpretation of themselves, what a world to live in! Now that I know this about myself, if anything I think it will just make me a stronger person. Being more self-aware allows you to be more confident as you can learn how to change your weaknesses in to your strengths.

As of now I will be super organised in my personal life as well as my work life - hmmm, maybe I won't hold out on that one too much... just in case.

Here's to the weekend...
:) Stacey.